Polyamory is the practice of engaging in multiple romantic relationships simultaneously, with the consent and knowledge of everyone involved. It celebrates the belief that love is not a finite resource and that individuals can form deep, meaningful connections with multiple partners without diminishing the love they hold for each.
At the heart of polyamory lies the principle of informed consent. All parties involved are aware of and agree to the nature of the relationships, fostering trust and honesty amongst partners.
Open and honest communication is essential in a polyamorous relationship. Regular discussions about feelings, boundaries, and needs help to ensure that all partners feel valued and heard.
Mutual respect among all partners is crucial. Recognizing and honoring each person’s feelings, desires, and boundaries cultivates a healthy and supportive environment.
Diverse Connections: Polyamory allows individuals to experience different forms of love and connection, enriching their emotional lives.
Personal Growth: Navigating multiple relationships encourages self-reflection, communication skills, and emotional intelligence, leading to personal development.
Support Network A polyamorous structure can provide a wider support network, as individuals can rely on multiple partners for emotional and practical support.
It’s Just About Sex: While sexual relationships can be part of polyamory, emotional connections are equally important. Many polyamorous individuals seek deep and meaningful relationships rather than mere physical encounters.
Jealousy Doesn’t Exist: Jealousy can occur in polyamorous relationships just as it can in monogamous ones. However, the emphasis on communication helps partners address and manage these feelings effectively.
Polyamory is a Fad: Polyamory is not a new concept but has been practiced in various forms throughout history and in different cultures. It is a legitimate relationship style that deserves respect and understanding.
If you’re considering exploring polyamory, here are some steps to help you navigate this relationship style:
Read books, attend workshops, and join online communities focused on polyamory to better understand the dynamics involved.
Discuss your interest in polyamory with potential partners. Be honest about your motivations and intentions.
Establish clear boundaries regarding your relationships, including time commitments, emotional limits, and safe practices.
Engage in regular self-care practices to maintain emotional well-being and manage the complexities that can arise from multiple relationships.
Polyamory is a rich and rewarding way of experiencing love that embraces the diversity of human relationships. By prioritizing communication, consent, and respect, individuals can cultivate fulfilling partnerships that enhance their lives and foster a healthy, supportive community. Whether you’re new to polyamory or exploring your interests, take the time to understand this vibrant relationship style and how it might resonate with your own journey toward love and connection.
Polyamory: A subset of ethical non-monogamy where the assumption is that all partners may seek out multiple loving relationships. From the Greek “poly,” meaning many, and Latin “amor,” meaning love. Structures beyond this vary between people and groups of people.
Ace: An abbreviation for asexual, sometimes used as a part of a longer or larger self-identification.
Agender: A person identifies as agender if they feel that neither binary gender applies to them, and that identifying in any place on a spectrum of those genders upholds the gender binary. Different individuals use this term differently, and some people use this interchangeably with nonbinary. Typically, agender and nonbinary gender identities are viewed as falling under the transgender umbrella. *
Anchor Partner: A partner who one regards as a central figure in one’s life, a stable “rock” or “anchor” to lean on. Often used in non-hierarchical relationships for someone’s equivalent(s) of a primary partner in a hierarchical setting.
Aromantic: Having low or nonexistent romantic imperative or interest. There are several subcategories of asexual that someone might identify with. This word is sometimes shortened to “aro.”
Asexual: Having low or nonexistent sexual imperative or interest. There are several subcategories of asexual that someone might identify with. This word is sometimes shortened to “ace.”
Barriers: Physical impediments to the exchange of sexual fluids. Most often used to refer to condoms, although dental dams and gloves for manual stimulation also fall under this umbrella.
Bisexual: Having sexual attraction to one’s own gender and other genders.
Chosen family: Exactly as the name states, people one chooses to be one’s family in place of blood family, because of shared values and emotional support.
Cisgender: A person is cisgender if they identify as their gender as assigned at birth. Derived from a Latin root meaning on the near side.
Closed Polycule / Polyfidelitous Relationship: Two terms for groups of people who have decided not to see people outside of their existing relationship networks. Polyfidelitous is sometimes shortened to “polyfi.”
Comet: A long distance relationship where the partners only meet in person rarely but are happy to pick up their connection at those times and be less intensely in touch in between, like a comet passing close enough for the Earth to see every few years.
Compersion: Happiness at the joy of one’s partner in another relationship; sometimes referred to as the opposite of jealousy.
Consensual Non-Monogamy: Any relationship structure in which all partners are aware and consenting to some form of non-monogamy / non-exclusive relationship, be it sexual, emotional, or both.
Cowboy/Cowgirl: The gendered names for someone who acts polyamorous and then after forming a relationship, tries to remove their partner from the polycule to be monogamous with them. so called because they are “roping one off from the herd.” Some folks online use Cowpoke as a gender neutral for this, although I haven’t yet heard that used outside of an educational context.
DADT: The shortened form of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, used to refer to the relationship structure.
Demiromantic: An identity on the aromantic spectrum wherein folks only experience romantic attraction with people who they already have an emotional connection to.
Demisexual: An identity on the asexual spectrum wherein folks only experience sexual attraction with people who they already have an emotional connection to.
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Relationships: A relationship in which a (usually formerly monogamous, usually hierarchical and primary) couple choose to allow each other to see other people but don’t want information on their metamours or what their partner does with them. Sometimes there is a clause included for basic sexual risk/safety information to be shared. The most extreme form of parallel polyamory.
Dyad: A relationship of two people; can be monogamous or the relationship between any two people in a polyamorous network.
ERE: The abbreviation for Established Relationship Energy.
Established Relationship Energy: A term used in opposition to New Relationship Energy, as a more positively connoted alternative to old relationship energy, it means the comfortable feeling of a longer-term relationship. Sometimes abbreviated ERE.
Ethical Non-monogamy: Any relationship structure in which all partners are aware and consenting to some form of non-monogamy, be it sexual, emotional, or both. Known in social science studies as Consensual Non-Monogamy.
Ethical Slut: The Ethical Slut is a book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy that through three editions published between 1997 and 2017 influenced the formation of modern polyamorous community. Ethical Slut is also a phrase taken on by many people to indicate that they honestly and openly carried out multiple relationships.
Fluid Bonding: Not using barriers for sexual activities; almost always used to indicate that condoms are not used for vaginal or anal intercourse, sometimes also used to indicate the lack of barriers for oral and manual sex.
Friend with Benefits: A sexual relationship with someone with whom you have an emotional but not romantic connection.
Frubble: An alternate term for moments of compersion.
Garden Party Polyamory: The middle ground between kitchen table and parallel polyamory; sometimes used for the polycule with a bit of everything, and sometimes used for folks who see each other at large events a few times a year.
Genderqueer: People who identify as genderqueer identify outside the categories of man and woman. The term has overlap with nonbinary and agender, and is sometimes the subject of controversy because queer has been used as a slur against non-cis and non-hetero people. *
Heterosexual: Having sexual attraction to the opposite binary gender.
Hierarchical Relationships: Relationships in which certain partnerships are prioritized above others and/or given additional powers in rule-setting. Often, but not always, the early result of people discovering polyamory when they have an existing partnership.
Hinge: The shared partner between two people – so called because in using shapes to describe “polycules,” they’re often the point a shape hinges on; also because hinges can open and close, as a convenient metaphor for describing the relationship between metamours.
Homosexual: Having sexual attraction to people with one’s own gender identity.
Kitchen Table Polyamory: A style of polyamorous relationship in which the interrelationship of a network, and the integration of multiple romantic relationships into one life or group, is prioritized. Close relationships between metamours and/or telemours are strongly encouraged or required. The name comes from the notion that all members of a network “can sit around the kitchen table in their PJs, drinking coffee” (Kimchi Cuddles #452)
Lap-Sitting Polyamory: the more extreme version of Kitchen Table Polyamory, with an implied positive connotation of no coercion or pressure. Popularized by the Multiamory Podcast.
LDR: An abbreviation for long distance relationship.
Limerence: A state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love; sometimes referred to as “the anxious part of NRE.”
Long Distance Relationship: A relationship where the partners are physically distant from one another; because this is self defined and situationally defined, a long distance relationship for someone who lacks consistent transportation might be with someone at a distance that others don’t consider long distance. Often abbreviated LDR.
Long Term Relationship: A relationship of extended duration. Often abbreviated LTR.
LTR: the abbreviation for long term relationship.
Meta: the shortened form of metamour.
Metamour: The partner of one’s partner; from the root “meta,” beyond – so literally “beyond love.” Often abbreviated meta.
N: A four person polycule where A and B are romantically involved; B and C are romantically involved; and C and D are romantically involved, but there are no triads within that network. Sometimes also called a Z.
Nesting Partner: A partner with whom one shares a home.
New Relationship Energy: The excitement and giddiness that comes with a new relationship and its early stages; some scientists believe it is the result of oxcytocin and vasopressin. It is potentially obsessive and similar to limerence, except that it occurs after a relationship has begun. It can be extremely positive, but also for some people jittery and challenging. Often abbreviated NRE.
Nonbinary: A person identifies as nonbinary if they feel that neither binary gender applies to them. They may apply additional terms that define their gender expression as an identity as well as nonbinary as a gender identity umbrella term. This term usually is seen to fall under the umbrella of transgender. It is sometimes shortened to nb or “enby,” especially when used by nonbinary people themselves.
Non-Hierarchical Relationships: Relationships which strive for equal autonomy and standing of relationships rather than prioritizing one over another. These are not immune from “ inherent hierarchy,” such as shared responsibilities with a partner with whom one shares children or a home, or who one has been with a much longer time, but they ascribe to an ideal of involving all network members in discussions of rule changes that will impact them and limiting prioritization when possible.
NRE: the abbreviation for New Relationship Energy.
Old Relationship Energy: The comfort and security associated with an established relationship. Used in contrast to NRE and often abbreviated ORE.
One Penis Policy: Firmly enforced rules that there can only be one penis-having individual (typically a cis man) in a relationship network. Often considered transphobic because they are often phrased as “one man,” denying the genders of trans women and trans men; and generally considered belittling of relationships between women because it implies that same sex relationships are “safer”for the cis man imposing this rule on partner(s).
Open Polycule: A relationship network in which people are welcome to search for additional partners and enter into new relationships.
One Penis Policy: Firmly enforced rules that there can only be one penis-having individual (typically a cis man) in a relationship network. Often considered transphobic because they are often phrased as “one man,” denying the genders of trans women and trans men; and generally considered belittling of relationships between women because it implies that same sex relationships are “safer”for the cis man imposing this rule on partner(s).
Open Polycule: A relationship network in which people are welcome to search for additional partners and enter into new relationships.
OPP: An abbreviation of One Penis Policy.
OSO: an abbreviation for other significant other.
an abbreviation for Old Relationship Energy.
Other Significant Other: A significant other outside of one’s primary or nesting partner; often a term used by people newly entering a polyamorous relationship while already in a partnership.
Pansexual: Having sexual attraction to all genders.
Pansexual: Having sexual attraction to all genders.
Parallel Polyamory: A style of polyamorous relationship in which each individual relationship exists largely independent of either partner’s additional romantic or sexual relationships, and in which there is not an intentional focus on entwining the relationship network. There may be close relationships between some metamours or telemours, but there is no requirement for this and there may be low or no contact between some members of the larger relationship network.
Paramour: An alternate term for one’s partner or love.
Partner: A person with whom one has a relationship. This relationship is often romantic but can be defined however the people involved choose.
Platonic Life Partner: A partner with whom one may not be romantic or sexual, but to whom one has made lifelong commitments which may include things like cohabiting and coparenting. Sometimes abbreviated PLP.
PLP: An abbreviation for platonic life partner.
Poly family: A group of polyamorous people who consider each other to be family.
Polycule: A network of interconnected relationships; can be used to refer to the network itself, or a chart illustrating the same. A portmanteau of “poly” and “molecule,” because of the varied possible configurations and how they can resemble charts of the chemical structures of molecules. Groups and networks larger than four people often simply use “polycule” or “constellation” to describe their network, rather than using one of the specialized terms for smaller units, as the shapes can get complicated.
Polysexual: Having sexual attraction to many but not all genders. Note: many people use pansexual for this definition as well, as it is the more popular term and discourse around sexualities is shifting.
Primary Relationship/Partner: The prioritized relationship or partner in a hierarchical set-up. Some people have multiple primary partners, or leave the option for additional primary-level relationships to exist; but many who prefer this relationship structure do not.
Quad: A four person relationship network where all the parties are romantically interconnected.
RA: an abbreviation for relationship anarchy.
Relationship Anarchy: A relationship structure that can be viewed as a kind of non-hierarchical polyamory, but more specifically applies anarchist principles of self-determination and lack of state involvement to intimate relationships. Often abbreviated RA. It allows for the individual definition of each relationship without labels being applied, and a great deal of argument exists around how RA is or isn’t included in polyamorous movements and community.
Secondary Relationship/Partner: Additional partners or relationships beyond the primary ones in a hierarchical network. They often have to accept pre-existing rules or limits on time defined by the primary relationship members, without recourse to change these.
Solo Polyamory: A form of polyamory in which an individual chooses to be their own “primary partner,” building connections without the assumption of progressing up the “relationship escalator” with one or more. Often includes the assumption of living apart from all partners.
Solopolyam
a style of polyamory that values personal independence, typically avoiding relationships that include entanglements such as sharing finances, housing, or marriage.
Telemour: The partner of a metamour who is not your shared partner; from the root “tele,” distant – so literally “distant love.” Used less commonly than metamour.
Throuple: An alternate word for triad, a portmanteau of Three and Couple.
Transgender: A person who identifies as transgender identifies as any gender other than the one they were assigned at birth. This may be the only gender identifying term they use, or they may use other, more specific terms within the trans umbrella.*
Triad: A relationship of three people, all of whom are romantically involved with one another. A triad contains three dyads (A and B; A and C; and B and C) as well as the triad relationship (A and B and C). One of the most publicized forms of polyamory in mainstream media.
Unicorn: A bisexual woman who prefers to have relationships with both parts of a heterosexual couple on terms set primarily by that couple’s agreements.
Unicorn Hunters: Couples who seek a bisexual woman who prefers to have relationships with both parts of a heterosexual couple on terms set primarily by that couple’s agreements for a relationship. This term is often used derisively, as this type of person is almost impossible to find because of the need to agree with all of the couple’s terms, and because this structure when managed is often used to negatively impact young bisexual women new to polyamory.
V: A relationship network including three people where there are two “ends” who are metamours but not romantically involved with one another, and a hinge partner. A V (sometimes written vee) polycule contains two dyads (A and B and B and C).
Veto: A power granted to existing partner(s) to “call off” an additional relationship. Often time-limited to the beginning of a new flirtation or relationship, but occasionally an open power to terminate additional relationships at any time.
Wibble: A brief moment of fear, insecurity, or other strong negative emotion.
Kink encompasses a wide range of interests and practices that involve unconventional sexual expressions and fantasies. Here are some common categories of kink:
Switch:
A person who will engage in dominant and submissive behavior non-exclusively; can be used to refer to someone who feels an intrinsic need to perform both dominance and submission; can be used to refer to someone who typically identifies with one role but under certain circumstances performs the other.
Orientation:
Refers to a person’s pattern of experiencing attraction, usually sexual or romantic. Can specify the gender(s) one is attracted to, or the circumstances and degrees to which one experiences attraction.
BDSM:
A compounded acronym which stands for “Bondage and Discipline” (B&D), “Dominance and Submission” (D/s), and “Sadism and Masochism” (S&M).
Praise:
A kink involving one or more parties who derive satisfaction from affirmations and positive appraisals of their actions by their partner(s). Common in both dominants and submissives.
Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK):
A philosophy encouraging informed and willing decision-making relating to kinky activities.
Dynamics
The individual relationship between two or more persons, typically with regard to power exchange or other kinky activities.
Bondage:
The practice of tying, binding, or restraining, whether for its own sake or for the sake of other kink or sexual practices.
Funishment:
A portmanteau of “fun” and “punishment” used to refer to consequences given for the sake of mutual enjoyment rather than as a form of discipline meant to discourage a behavior.
Role Play:
When one or more people take on a different identity during a scene. Examples may include teacher-student, doctor-patient, or boss-employee.
Bottom:
The party receiving sensation during a scene or sexual encounter.
Often conflated with Submissive, due to a large overlap and shared history in the BDSM community. However, the two concepts are separate, and bottoming does not necessitate submission.
Chastity:
Refers to the practice of orgasm denial, typically lasting for at least one entire scene, but often longer periods of time. Can include devices such as belts or cages for the purpose of physically prohibiting the wearer from achieving arousal and/or orgasm.
Vanilla:
Conventional sexual behavior, relationship styles, or personal preferences; lacking in BDSM, kink, or fetishism.
Worship:
A practice wherein one or more partner(s) shows reverence and devotion to their partner(s) through incorporating various ritualistic practices into their scenes or general interactions.
Dom Voice:
A specific tone of voice that can be adopted by a dominant either during play or at any time that they want to reinforce their authority over their submissive(s)
Safe, Sane, Consensual (SSC):
A philosophy encouraging safe kink activities and warning against potentially dangerous kink activities.
Fluid Bonding:
When one or more persons consent to exchange or be exposed to bodily fluids.
Old Guard:
Refers to BDSM communities or individuals with traditional sensibilities who emphasize protocols and clear cut etiquette and hierarchies. May fall into One True Wayism and/or romanticize the history and origins of the BDSM community.
Consent:
The agreement between two parties to engage in an activity. In any scene or sexual encounter, establishing the enthusiasm of everyone involved is required.
Breath Play:
A form of play when one participant controls their breathing. This may include choking or holding breath.
Often considered a form of Edge Play.
Body Worship:
The practice of showing reverence for a specific part of another person’s body usually through physical and sexual touch.
Blood Play:
The practice of using blood from a participant in a sexual or kinky encounter for pleasure.
New Relationship Energy (NRE):
The strong feeling of excitement and infatuation that is common in the beginning of any new intimate (especially romantic) entanglement.
Breeding:
Refers to the erotic act or fantasy of impregnation.
Boot Worship:
A form of play focused on respect or reverence shown for the footwear of one or more participants. Can be ritualistic in nature.
Service-Oriented:
Refers to an individual who derives meaning and satisfaction from contributing resources to their partner, and providing for their needs and/or advancing their goals. Can be dominant, submissive, or a switch.
Versatile (AKA “verse”):
Refers to a person who is willing to top or bottom. Versatile individuals do not necessarily engage with power exchange, or may be of any power-exchange alignment.
Stop Light System:
A popular and widely recognized set of safe words that follow the convention of traffic lights, with green meaning “go” yellow meaning “caution” and red meaning “stop”
Soft Limits:
Can refer to an activity which one does not wish to engage with except under specific circumstances with certain conditions attached, but for which they may still give informed consent.
Dominant:
The party who has the authority in a BDSM power exchange dynamic or scene. Often shortened to Dom or Domme.
Fake Dom:
A disparaging term for someone in the kink community, usually online, with the pretense that they are an experienced Dominant, almost solely for the purpose of seeking sexual partners they can exploit. Fake doms often display disrespectful behavior, such as the expectation that s-types to submit to them just because they call themselves a Dominant.
Hard Limit:
An activity that a party will not engage with under any circumstances.
Knife Play:
Play involving knives, daggers, and swords or other bladed implements as a source of physical and mental stimulation.
Scene:
A self-contained kinky activity.
Safe Word:
An agreed-upon term or action that can be invoked by a member of a kink dynamic in order to signal an end or change of a kink-related activity.
Safe words can be verbal or physical, i.e. saying a specific word or phrase or making a specific physical movement.
Squick:
A slang term for the uncomfortable feeling one may get when hearing about or witnessing certain kinky activities which they do not wish to participate in, but harbor no prejudice against the play or people who participate.
The term is used instead of “disgust” due to the latter’s association with moral judgement.
Sadism:
Deriving pleasure or purpose from inflicting pain or discomfort. Frequently refers to physical elements, but can also apply to emotional or mental elements.
Sacred Kink:
A set of beliefs and practices that focus on BDSM and other non-normative sexual or kink practices as a kind of spiritual experience holds deep personal meaning to those involved.
Power Exchange:
A practice which involves one or more dominant(s) taking control and exercising influence over one of more submissive(s) who willingly relinquish their own authority.
Power Exchange: Continuous Limited Control:
A type of dynamic where submissive gives up some, but not all, of their authority to their dominant partner(s) continuously, at all times.
Power Exchange: Continuous Total Control:
A type of dynamic where the submissive gives up all of their agency to their dominant partner at all times, on a 24/7 basis. Often referred to as “24/7 TPE”
Power Exchange: In-Scene Limited Control:
A type of dynamic where the submissive gives some, but not all, of their authority to their dominant partner(s) on a temporary basis as part of play.
Power Exchange: In-Scene, Total Control:
A type of dynamic where the submissive gives up all of their agency to their dominant partner on a temporary basis as part of play.
Day Collar:
A piece of jewelry or accessory that is worn regularly as a symbol and reminder, frequently of an important and committed dynamic or of a commitment to self-ownership. Generally it is discreet in appearance, often passing for conventional jewelry.
Play Collar:
An accessory worn around the neck during play that may or may not have significant meaning attached. Can be tugged upon, attached to a leash, or serve other in-scene functions. Typically made of leather or other sturdy materials.
Play:
Refers to a wide variety of sexual, physical, or mental kink-related interactions. Many specific types of play have their own entries.
Shibari:
A Japanese word which translates as “to tie (decoratively)”, commonly used internationally to describe the Japanese art of rope bondage involving intricate woven patterns and complex knots. The practice is known in Japan as “Kinbaku” which translates as “tight binding.”
Figging:
The practice of using ginger root for anal play; often involves carving a ginger root into an implement that can be used for anal insertion. This gradually creates a warning and then burning sensation.
Dungeon:
A dedicated space for BDSM and kink scenes, sometimes furnished with equipment to facilitate play. Can be any room or area and does not need to be subterranean.
One True Wayism:
The mistaken belief that there is only one “correct” way to practice BDSM and kink.
Collar:
A necklace, piece of jewelry, or choker that is usually worn around the neck and is symbolic of the wearer’s relationship with BDSM. Frequently denotes ownership. May be given from one partner to another to represent meaning in their dynamic / relationship, or given to one’s self. Can be made of leather, various metals, or other materials.
Munch:
A public gathering in a restaurant or bar for kinky people to make new connections with locals, and be open about their kink life in a setting that does not involve any sort of play.
Protocol:
Refers to rules and behaviors that establish and enforce a hierarchy between partners in a dynamic. For example, a submissive may be unable to sit in certain areas and must refer to their partner by a title such as “Your Grace,” “Sir,” “Mistress,” or other honorific.
Contract:
A written-out agreement between parties who are engaged in a power exchange dynamic.
Degradation:
The consensual psychological demeaning or humiliation of one partner by another.
Edge Play:
BDSM acts that are considered particularly intense or dangerous, such as breath play.
Exhibitionism:
An act in which someone derives pleasure from allowing a consenting audience to watch while engaging in sexual, kinky or otherwise intimate behavior.
Consensual Non-Consent (CNC):
A style of BDSM play in which all parties agree to behave in a manner that mimics the behavior of a forceful or coerced encounter.
Hypnokink (AKA Erotic Hypnosis):
A type of play that involves one or more participants being guided into a very relaxed and uninhibited state in which both the conscious and subconscious mind are accessible.
Dollification:
A practice where one or more parties takes on the role of “Doll” oftentimes through a transformative process which can involve makeup and costuming.
Brat Tamer:
A dominant who enjoys and/or prefers to play with bratty submissives; a dominant who enjoys punishing misbehavior.
Self Ownership:
The concept of a submissive providing care and structure for themself in the ways that a dominant partner might, in an effort to improve their self-worth, self-love, and overall standards.
Master, Mistress, Mxtress, Mxtrix:
A dominant party who has control over a slave in a consensual master-slave dynamic.
Electroplay:
The practice of using electrical stimulation to the nerves of the body using a power source for sensation play, body modification, or to inflict pain.
Drop:
The physical or emotional exhaustion that takes place after a kink-related activity.
Little:
A person who has a strong need to be coddled or cared for tenderly, and may enjoy “cute” or “childish” things;
Objectification:
An act where one or more parties is treated like a non-sentient entity, usually for erotic purposes. This may include being physically used as an inanimate object such as a piece of furniture.
Aftercare:
In BDSM, the time and attention given by one partner to another after an intense play experience, can be physical or emotional in nature.